Young Is Not The Only Thing I Want To Look

Open Letter

August 26, 2018

Dear X,

Our late night conversation really stuck with me – mostly as it triggered so many different feelings in me. You were in such a lively and open mood - intoxicated for sure but I don’t think you would have said what you did if you hadn’t been. Even though it hurt at the moment, I know it came from a place of care for me, and it was ultimately extremely clarifying.

When you said, “Kathy, you have such beautiful skin…”, your tone was so earnest and caring I could see that what you were about to say was causing you genuine worry: “Kathy, you have such beautiful skin but the gray hair is making you look so much older! I don’t want you to give up – you can look so much younger without the gray hair!”

My first thought was that I must have really looked like hell, sitting there late at night under the bright lights above the table. 

“It’s ok, really,” I said, trying to reassure you that I know what I am doing, even as self-doubt crept in. But you obviously felt real angst and concern. “It should be more than ok, Kathy! Don’t give up! You can look so much younger if you don’t go gray yet.”

Your worry about my hair triggered thoughts and doubts in me: Here I am so publicly growing out my gray, announcing it to everyone with both my changing head of hair and my blog! Am I “giving up”? Am I making a huge mistake? Am I totally kidding myself? And then, if I am making a mistake, how humiliating would it be if I suddenly dyed it again?! Jesus Christ, I could just dye it again that very next day!

Over the next days, I thought about my decision to grow out my grays and it was very reinforcing to do so. This is what I came to:

It may be true that I would look “younger” if I continued to dye my hair, but looking “young” is not the only thing I want to look. I also want to look brave and bold and different. I want to look unique and interesting. I want to look sassy and confident and rebellious. I want to look authentic.

Mostly, truly, I want to look like myself.

Love,

Kathy

Fabulous Fifties

A year ago, I went to my friend, Michelle's 50th birthday party - a wonderful private dinner in a restaurant with about 60 guests, delicious food, wine, and conversation. When her birthday alert popped up on my Facebook yesterday I began to think about the year she has had, in her first year as a 50-something.

Michelle moved her business The Festive Table forward in a big way this year, launching coaching healthy eating and wellness programs, an addition to the cooking birthday parties she has offered for children for years. (https://www.thefestivetable.com/) Michelle and her husband continue to have a good thing going, her kids are interesting and independent (one was a Senate page for Dianne Feinstein, helping on the Senate floor during the first 6 months of Trump's presidency, her son is in a rock band that practices in the garage, her younger daughter is an athlete), her house is one of my very favorite homes with cozy rooms, lots of light and plenty of greenery outside. She also looks great - trim and happy. And she's crazy about her dog too! 

I texted Michelle to wish her Happy Birthday, acknowledged her amazing year, and ended with "Fabulous 50s!" "I think so!" she responded. "I had heard rumors!" followed by two tiny matching emojis of a woman in a long red dress dancing so her skirt flares and swings. Two of them for emphasis! (I remember Michelle looking fabulous at her birthday party, in a red dress!)

Shortly after our text exchange, my sister-in-law forwarded me the link to Margaret Renkl's opinion piece in yesterday's NY Times, The Gift of Menopause.

Renkl likes a good deal about menopause, as I do. I'm not crazy about becoming invisible (as I have noted in other posts) but this bit among others resonated with me: "And it’s easier now to shrug off failure. It’s easier to shrug off most other things, too: missed opportunities, the unwarranted anger of others, fear of looking like a fool. A person who is not afraid of looking like a fool gets to do a lot more dancing."

With everything going on in our individual lives and in the world, take time to dance. Dance like no one is watching, dance like there's no tomorrow, swing the skirt of that red dress!