Time To Shine

Sail on, silver girl

Sail on by

Your time has come to shine

All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine

If you need a friend

I'm sailing right behind you.

           (Hear the song Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Lyrics by Paul Simon)

I am much more excited and much less self-conscious about this transition to gray hair than I thought I would be. 

Last night, looking in the mirror in a brightly-lit movie theater restroom, the top of my head shined brightly. I grabbed a thick chunk of hair and held it straight up over my head so my friend Gwenn could see the stark delineation between gray and light brown. 

Demarcation at 3-1/2 Months. February 2018

“When you go gray the first time," I told her, "it's a few hairs at a time over a long period time. It’s crazy how this time the silver is bursting forth from my head!"

Some have asked if I had considered just dying it silver since that has been a trend in recent years. That may be a great solution for some, but a big part of this process for me is to no longer process my hair - no more dye, expense or time. In addition to the relief I feel of not dying my hair anymore, and my desire to avoid the harshness of bleaching the color out of my hair in order to dye it silver, I am also fine with letting the natural color come in in its own time. 

We are so used to controlling things, (I am so used to trying to control things!) and immediacy and instant gratification. How often do we want to skip the process or the journey and just reach the goal?  The time it will take to transition to my natural silver offers me time to get used to it, time for reflection and contemplation, time to be excited, time to be impatient, time to be eager, self-doubting, relieved. 

  

The demarcation in my hair between the old colored hair and the fresh new silver coming in is symbolic to me. There is a dividing line between what has been and what is to be. Look at the synonyms of that word above: distinction, differentiation, boundary, frontier.

More than anything, this process and the arrival of the new/old silver hair feels freeing, emboldening and hopeful to me. And frankly, I like knowing that I am about to really stand out. One thing I'm learning with so many of us covering gray hair between ages 50-70 is that while we may look younger – at least in someone’s peripheral vision – but at worst we fade into the background as just another middle-aged woman with a dyed head of hair; not unique, not special, not distinctive. Or perhaps that is how I felt. I am only 3-1/2 months into this project and much more than I expected I feel like this step to show my true color (my true colors) is giving me an internal boost.

The new frontier feels thrilling and empowering and I am up for both the journey and whatever lies ahead.

Growing Out Gray Hair, How To #3 – Dying Only Your Part, For Awhile

With my mom and brother in September 2016. You can see the streak of
silver I let grow in while I continued to dye the rest of it. The streak was
mostly hidden but would peek out in a nice, unexpected way. I've gotten a
million compliments on my streak!

A hair stylist friend of mine, Teresa Mockler of Zindagi Salon in San Francisco, told me about a method for growing out gray hair that seemed downright ingenious. She told me “Start dying your part and along your face and let the gray start coming in underneath. Then when a few inches have grown in, one day you flip your part to expose the gray and get a short haircut.” Quite a clever way to go! 

My hair grows quickly and I was dying the roots myself every 2 weeks. I could push it to 3 weeks if I used a masking powder on my part. After Teresa told me about this new method I went 4-6 weeks dying just my part and letting my gray come in underneath everywhere else. This was very much an experiment to see if I was ready to let the gray come in. I didn’t know how white it had become since I started dying in in 2006, and I also didn’t know if I were bold enough to go for it and let it all come in gray. I would flip the hair to look at the inch or two of gray coming in and try to envision my head almost all silver. Was I ready? 

I tried this method twice, but after several weeks dyed it again.  That is, all but one section close to my face on the right side.  I let that bit of gray come in, little by little, a hidden streak just under the top hair. That bit of silver became a secret that would be exposed when I brushed my hand through my hair, flashing unexpectedly bright.  And that streak has served me well during this transition.  More on that in a later post.

These videos show a version of dying just a section while letting the rest grow in underneath:

Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rl7VP3By2M

Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnYW8G5UbeY

For a more fun and uplifting (and not exactly related) video, I find this gal, Susan Paget, delightful.  She has a series of videos about middle age and this one is two years into her gray hair project: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdVWlf23sGY.

Growing Out Gray Hair, How To #2 – Shave it Off!

Just as you can dye your hair for a sudden transformation, so too can you spectacularly shift your style by shaving your head or cutting it very close. This is a more drastic route, not for every woman, but there is also an incredible freedom in it. Women who have decided to let their natural hair color grow in feel a genuine excitement, and feel antsy about how long it can take to complete the transition. 

How to:

1. skip one cycle of dying so your roots have begun to show

2. shave it off!

Watch the videos below of two women, Grace and Diane, who went for it! and shared the experience on YouTube.

GRACE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6w4FT1W1SE Grace

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNRsHLLlLmI Grace’s caveat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G95OWh7OU3k Grace, grown in a bit

DIANE gets a buzz cut!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kikPaZVJdNk&list=PLMtATgaRR3EKiq1dw6EcJYxRnSmNIvy__

Growing Out Gray Hair, How To #1 – Living with a Growing Stripe

January 26, 2018, about 10 weeks in.

Cut it, shave it, skunk it, color it gray, use lowlights, flip the part…there are several ways to transition to gray hair and each has its pluses and minuses.

Back when you initially made the decision to dye over your grays, you got to transform your entire look in a couple hours. When done in a salon you probably left feeling like a brand, new woman! Going the other direction – going back to your natural hair color – can be the opposite of that. It can be extremely arduous and/or fraught with doubts and second thoughts. There will be days when you look in the mirror and think “what the fuck am I doing?”  This would be a good time to check back in with the brave women on YouTube to find those who have gone before you. They will inspire you! Or look for a Silver Sisters online forum or local meetup to check in with women who are transitioning right now. They will commiserate with you, support and encourage you!

Getting On The Skunk Train: One way to go is simply letting it come in, and let your roots display your progress. If you were to just grow in the gray while maintaining your hair style as it is, with occasional trims at whatever intervals are normal for you, the process will take 18-24 months. If your natural hair is quite gray, or if the contrast between the natural hair and the color of the dyed hair is pronounced, you will be faced with a stripe down the middle of your head that will make you think you look like a skunk. You may fear that everyone is thinking you’ve completely let yourself go. You may feel an urge to announce to everyone you see “I am growing my hair out!”

The reality is that most people are not paying that close attention to you, and for any person who might be momentarily judgmental, there will be multpiple women who are also toying with the idea of letting their gray come in.  They will look at you and think “can I do that?  Maybe I can do that!” As a woman letting your natural color come in, you too will inspire others to do it!

Once the stripe reaches an inch or two on either side of the part, it will be more obvious that you are embarking on a journey. Yes, you will still have a marked and growing skunk stripe down the center of your head, but it will act as more of a declaration, than suggesting procrastination.

I found a blog by Jill S. about her own transition in 2012-2014. Here is her Skunk Stripe post: http://greyinganddating.blogspot.com/2012/12/skunk-tales.html

You can watch the transformation of Cinder in Australia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-9B9fA9JJ8

There’s a Revolution Underway!

Never before have we had such easy access to so many other women pondering whether it’s time to stop using hair dye and let their gray hair come in naturally. Through blogs and videos easy to find online you can find many different ways to tackle the task. But the truly wonderful thing you access is all the transitions, the excitement and the resolve of other women. You see women blossoming and their excitement is contagious. I went online to see which method might work best for me and I was utterly inspired by the stories I found there.

Interspersed with my own story that I will share here, I will post different methods of going gray and include links to other women who went before.

Please share my blog with people you know who are either on this path or who might be inspired to go for it! There’s a silver wave happening!

All Those Unwanted Pressures - Plus Healthy Skepticism

Many years ago, I visited a dermatologist for the first time and, even from our brief, one-time interaction, I can remember her name: Dr. Lucia Tufanelli. How old was I? Late 30s or early 40s I think, and one of the questions I asked her was “What should I do for my skin as I get older?” I was looking for suggestions or advice – she was a dermatologist and I had never really paid all that much attention to what I was doing with my face beyond moisturizing with my tub of Cetaphil. I have never really been much for beauty products or an intensive regimen, but I was seeking information. Hey, my skin was in good shape – what should I expect and do as I got older?

“Dye your hair,” she said, brusquely.

“Excuse me?” I said, completely taken aback.

“If you want to look younger, dye your hair.”

Damn!

I rephrased my question, “Whether or not I ever dye my hair, what should I do for my skin as I get older?” By then, though, I didn’t really hear her answer.

I resented her unsolicited opinion and I didn’t return to Dr. Tufanelli, but the interaction stayed with me. What the hell was her deal? That wasn’t what I asked, Lady, thank you very much. But aren’t there always unbidden messages about how we’re supposed to look younger, thinner, or or or?

I have fair and increasingly speckled skin so I visit a dermatologist every year or two to make sure none of my spots are worrisome. During those visits, I've noticed the emphasis on expensive products and magic potions in the waiting room. The blatant merchandising makes it very hard for me to truly trust the doctor when it seems from the lobby that her main interest is to sell me $80 serums. Sitting in a dermatologist’s waiting area is like sitting within the pages of a women’s magazine where both advertising and editorial pages poke at your self-regard in an attempt to influence you to purchase stuff. Even at the dentist now, you are faced with glossy ads for expensive teeth whitening procedures. I think it muddies things when you think your doctor may be more interested in your dollars than your health.

Teen Magazine, July 1976

My skepticism about pressures on women around beauty and youth goes way back. When I was a young teenager – 13 or 14 – I used to look at Teen Magazine. I don’t know where the skepticism came from, but I would skip over the ads – wouldn’t even look at them – and would just jump to the editorial pages for any guidance or fashion tips I sought. I had a natural mistrust of the ads and the advertisers, and reasoned that the editorial sections were more objective. That bubble burst years later when I learned how much the editorial spreads were also driven by advertisers’ interests and influence.  I don’t know if that is universally true these days.

It’s interesting to think about those early seeds of media literacy because in 1995 they had grown into a full-on activist rebellion when I launched About-Face, initially called the Stop Starvation Imagery Campaign (SSIC!)  While I am no longer directly involved, About-Face is doing fantastic work. You can check out About-Face all grown up: www/about-face.org.

Gray Hair 2002-2006

It's strange to look back at pictures of me in the years before I dyed my hair as it looks nice to me. Here, some shots of my evolution of going gray the first time.

4th of July 2002, age 40

Summer 2003, age 41

Thanksgiving 2004, age 43

Summer 2005, age 43

Spring 2006, age 44